Find Happiness Without Me
by Kurama'sGirl88
Summary: OneShot Kurama's POV It's said that saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do. Well, I found out whether that was true or not.


Author's Note: Hello everyone. I'm depressed, lonely, and sad, and I wanted to write a tragic one-shot. I hope you enjoy. Let's begin!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Goodbyes are always the hardest, or so they say. I found out firsthand if this is true or not.

It seemed like it took me forever to climb those stairs up to Genkai's temple. It was evening, and it was snowing, the sky a uniform slate gray as the purest flakes drifted down around me, blanketing the steps and the forest. I brought no possessions with me—what need would I have for them? But I did carry a small rucksack over my shoulder. It held small gifts for each of my friends.

With every step I took, a new memory seemed to rise to the surface. Five steps up—I remembered being shot by the hunter. Ten steps—my mother getting slashed as she saved me from falling onto the broken plates. Fifteen—watching as Yusuke spared me by giving part of his life to the Forlorn Hope. Twenty—Hiei's look of shock as I impaled myself on his sword to rescue the Detective.

And on it went, until I was halfway to the top.

When I reached midpoint, my foot slipped on the fresh snow and I fell, hard. My chin struck the step, and I tasted coppery blood. With a sigh, I sat down, resigning myself to a breather. I carefully observed the land around me, knowing full well this was the last time I'd ever see it. The memory of why I was here came unbidden with a surprising vividness. I relived the painful event while I sat there in the biting snow.

It had been a regular mission, of sorts. We had to protect a human from demonic assassins. But the one main difference was rather important to me.

We were protecting my mother.

Strange, isn't it, to have one's mother being hunted? But I was confident that nothing would happen, that we would be more than able to protect her. We followed her wherever she went, Kuwabara, Yusuke, Hiei, and I. We were her four shadows, and never let her leave our sight.

We were caught completely off guard, then, by an ambush.

It was sudden and vicious. We were outnumbered fifty to four. Now, the Rekai Tentai has beaten more than this, but the main problem was that some of the demons were preparing to slaughter my mother. She was backed up against a wall, terror in her eyes, as five of the assassins came towards her. I left my friends to deal with the rest, because I had to save my mother.

I charged in, RoseWhip drawn. I didn't care if Shiori saw my powers; what mattered is if she was safe. I decapitated one enemy and disemboweled a second. I stood in front of Shiori, shielding her from the last three who still advanced, excited by the smell of spilled blood that hung in the air.

"Shuichi, what is going on?" my mother asked, trying to control her panic.

"I can't explain, Mother," I replied. "Just stay behind me!"

The three demons charged. I dispatched one more before I felt claws rip into my stomach. I fell to my knees, blood pouring, as I fought desperately for consciousness. I heard Shiori scream, but didn't react fast enough. A blade slashed across my back, causing even more agony to crash down on me.

But even then I fought on. With a death seed I killed one of the remaining two, which left one more. RoseWhip once again in hand, I spun to take care of him.

But I was much, much too late.

Shiori was on the ground, tattered, bloodied, and dead. The life flew out of her eyes before I could say a word. I just stood there, hollow and shocked. What had happened? Why had I not turned around in time? Why had I not saved her?

A dart hit me. I didn't notice. Drugs pulsed through my body. I didn't notice. I was unconscious moments later. I didn't notice. My mother was dead.

I woke up in some decrepit basement, chained to the wall. After a moment of fighting off the drug's effects, I instantly remembered what had happened. I lay there in anguish, crying my heart out. After what seemed like hours, I collected myself enough for one coherent thought to link together.

My friends would find me. They would save me, soon.

What I didn't know was that my friends thought I was dead. They found the alley where my mother had died blown up. They could only assume that a demon had planted a bomb, and both Shiori and I had gone up in flames. And since the prison I was in had many immensely powerful seals, there was no way they could feel my ki. So of course, they never searched for me. Why search for a dead person?

But I didn't know that. So, day in and day out, I clung to that one thought. My friends are searching for me. They'll save me any day now.

The demon that had kidnapped me was an experienced torturer. What followed was countless months of the most gruesome and agonizing ordeals that I had ever endured. I was stabbed, burned, whipped, scarred, broken (literally), and had acid poured on me. I went days without food or water and was hung by my wrists so that my feet barely touched the floor. Both wrists were shattered by the end of the first week. They never properly healed.

After a year of this, I finally found a way to escape. While my captor's back was turned, I put the chains that bound my wrists together around his neck, effectively strangling him. I crawled out a window, ran about a mile on a broken leg and dislocated hip, and collapsed on someone's front lawn. They found me two hours later and rushed me to the hospital. I was in a coma for a month and faced six months of rehabilitation after I finally woke up. Those days were filled with depression and agony.

But they were also filled with visits. Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei, the girls, they all came, amazed and exuberant to see me alive. There were a lot of tears, too. They had resigned themselves to the fact that I was dead, and seeing me alive and breathing was more then they could wrap their brains around. Each of the detectives was full of remorse for not searching for me. I assured them that it wasn't their fault, but they still insisted on staying with me as much as they could. Well, Yusuke and Kuwabara did; occasionally Hiei would drop by to fall asleep in the windowsill.

And now this. I was out of the hospital after seven months and prepared to say goodbye to my friends. They didn't know I was liberated, so this would be a complete surprise.

After about ten more minutes of walking, I found myself outside of Genkai's door. It took me a moment to gather the courage to knock on it and alert them to my presence. It didn't take them long to send someone to open the door. Botan looked shocked to see me. Well, why wouldn't she?

"Oh! Kurama! Why're you here, I thought…"

I didn't reply to her question. "Is everyone here?"

"Y-yes, except for Hiei."

I nodded and went inside. I knew Hiei probably wouldn't show up, so I wasn't disappointed. It would have been nice to speak to him one last time, but there's no use in bemoaning something you can't change.

I walked into the main room, where everyone was having tea. They looked up in surprise to see me there. Yukina gasped and dropped her cup, where it shattered on the floor. Yusuke and Kuwabara both jumped up, and Genkai regarded me sharply. Finally, Keiko spoke up, her voice faltering.

"K-Kurama, you're here…but-but why?"

"The hospital let me out early. I've come to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" Yusuke repeated. He locked gazes with me, chocolate eyes questioning. I couldn't help but sigh. I had known that I would have to give an explanation, but I still had hoped it wouldn't be necessary. Apparently I was wrong.

"I can't stay here any longer. Since I'm healed I'll be leaving. There's nothing for me here."

Silence reigned for a minute or two. Finally, Kuwabara said, "Nothing for you? What about us, man?"

I almost laughed. Almost. "Shiori is dead. You guys had gotten used to the fact that I was dead also. It would just be trouble if I stayed."

Yukina shook her head. "We need you here, Kurama. We all need you."

"No," I responded. "You all survived a year without me; it's not like I'm dying again."

As I stood there, I knew that everyone was looking at my scars. Scars of all my agonies stood out sharply on my pale skin. Cuts, burns, places where needles were plunged; it all stood out like a story. One I didn't want to relive and one I didn't want my friends to relive, either. And I knew they would every time they looked at me. So I was leaving.

"Here," I said. "Parting gifts." I handed the bag to Genkai, who took it with a nod. I removed Hiei's present, however. If he wasn't here, I didn't want everyone else having to look after it until he returned.

One by one the girls all came up, giving me a kiss on the cheek. Yusuke and Kuwabara shook my hand. Tears were welling up in all their eyes, but I felt oddly detached. This was the way it had to be. Besides, ever since Shiori died my emotions seemed to have evaporated.

With a final wave I walked out of the temple. I knew they were all watching from the door, bidding me silent farewells as I walked off to whatever future I had planned for myself. I started down the steps, never looking back.

Halfway down I stopped to look at the place where I had fallen. Ruby drops of blood dotted the perfect snow. I felt a familiar ki but didn't turn around.

"So they let you out, baka fox?"

"Yes, Hiei. I've come to say goodbye. I'm leaving."

"And you're not coming back?"

"That was the original plan."

"Hn."

I turned then, if only to see my friend for one last time. I tossed him his gift. He caught it without a thought, glancing down at it.

It was a locket, and when he opened it there would be a picture of both Yukina and his mother, Hina. I didn't say anything. Just smiled, or tried to, and turned away. I walked down the rest of the steps and onto the street.

I never looked back, and in a second, I was gone.

Never to return.

-Owari-

Author's Note: There you go. Please review, I hoped you liked it!


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